My lady just celebrated her birthday. I'm sure it was a lovely day for her. For starters, she had to get up at 4 AM, so she could take a four and a half hour long plane ride from Los Angeles to Nashville. She then got to celebrate her day of birth by working till midnight. This might all sound pretty bad on a normal day, let alone your bday, but she did have one positive thing going for her on this magical day. She didn't have to spend it with me. Now, I'm sure she loves me, and I know I love her, but everyone deserves a spousal break every now and then... especially her.
She got to celebrate her birthday without me, but she was surrounded by co-workers, put up in a nice hotel, given a per diem, and got to experience the culture of one of the coolest cities in the United States, Nashville. I, on the other hand, got to hang out all by myself with two needy dogs and DVR filled with crap that I've been putting off for just this occasion. There are many fun things I can do while the GF is away, and only a couple of them include touching my own penis.
For starters, I can eat donuts for breakfast! If I had my way I'd eat donuts for breakfast every day, and probably lunch and dinner as well. When my lady is around, I can have a donut every now and then, but would have to hide the evidence if I ate them more than once every few months. This week, I can let my freaky donut flag fly by popping those little buggers in my mouth the way Homer Simpson would after coming off the Atkins diet.
Another cool thing I can do when she's not around is watch afternoon baseball. When I'm "working" from home and decide to take a three hour break to watch the Rangers, Rays or Twins lose (this happens a lot this season), my girlfriend doesn't like that. When she gets home from a hard day of actual work and finds me sitting on the couch and screaming at a left fielder to "dive for the fucking ball" it makes her a tad angry. If she's going to slave away all day to bring home the bacon, the least I can do is pretend to help out. Now matter how many strikeouts Yu Darvish gets in a game, it still won't help me find a job. It might get me 70 bucks in my fantasy league though.
Speaking of that, I can be on my fantasy baseball site all day. I don't have to click away to job board sites every time my GF walks by the room. This week I've proposed 6 trades, add/dropped 4 players, changed my lineup every 18 minutes, and read about 1600 blogs on which starting pitchers are destined to have Tommy John surgery in the next 3 weeks. By the way, if Mark Teixeira gets another home run while riding my bench, I'm going to set my computer on fire.
One more advantage of my little princess leaving me by my lonesome is that I don't have to keep up with my set of household chores. The bed will not be made every morning, the dishes will not be washed, the pillows and blankets will not be put away, the laundry will not be laundered and my stinky body will not be showered. In fact, I don't have to shower for a week if I don't want to. The only time I'm showering in the first place is when I have someplace to go. When she's away, I never have to go anywhere. I can watch Arnold Schwarzenegger movies and wallow in my own filth for six straight days.
Now don't get me wrong, I love my girlfriend and would do anything for her, but when she's not around there's nothing she needs me to do. Right now there's only one thing that needs to be done... Bring on another dozen of glazed twists!!!
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