The Bored Cup

Every four years, something happens that unites even the strangest of strangers. It's an event that transcends languages and dialects. It brings everyone together despite geography, cultures and religions. I'm, of course, talking about U2 albums but the same can be said about the World Cup. The World Cup is the Olympics if the Olympics only had one sport that Americans are bad at and using your hands is a no-no. In that way, the World Cup is very similar to my sex life.

The World Cup is just one big ol' month of soccer. Actually, it's just one big ol' month of futbol. There's a weird thing happening where some countries call it futbol and others call it soccer. I understand that here in America it's called Soccer because we already have football. This doesn't make sense because football is played with hands. We can't call it handball though, because there's already a sport called handball which is racquetball without a racket. What's the different between a racket and a racquet? A "q." What's the difference between Daniel Craig and every other James Bond? Different "Q's."

Everybody makes a big deal out of the World Cup. People analyze every matchup, every player, every time slot. Fans "ooh" and "ahh" with every kick. Viewers yell at the screen when someone fakes a brutal injury. Now I understand that The World Cup is a big deal and the matches are intense and climactic, but it's normally two hours that result in 3 scores. If you're watching 2 hours of basketball, there will be more scoring than Leonardo DiCaprio at the Victoria Secret's Fashion Show.

As much as soccer (futbol) bores me, I'll still watch when the USA takes the field. Maybe it's American pride, maybe it's the thrill of competition, maybe it's because there's nothing else to do on a Sunday in June. If I'm going to watch though, I'd rather watch in a bar. Same thing can be said about the NBA All-Star game, opening weekend of NFL Football, and a 22 minute video of buff men in tighty-whiteys doing push-ups. (I once spent happy hour in the Castro section of San Francisco.)

I know that I want the USA to win. I also know that the USA has no chance to win. Soccer (futbol) is one of the few organized sports that the USA doesn't excel at. We kick ass in basketball, swimming, gymnastics, track and field, baseball, football, skiing, skating, snowboarding, skateboarding and waterboarding. Once the USA is out of the tournament I just don't care. That is unless the Germany team is still in it and I can go against them. I can cheer for Germany to lose The World Cup for a couple great reasons.
1) What they did to Jews in World War II.
2)  Dirk Nowitzki doesn't play soccer.

I probably will watch a few non USA matches and I probably will appreciate the athleticism, determination and intensity of the players. The greatest athletes in the world are soccer (futbol) players. They run the equivalent of a marathon in 120 minutes. All over the world they are revered as Gods among men. They have cool names like Pele and Ronaldo. I should like soccer (futbol) but I find it difficult to enjoy. Maybe it's because I wasn't very good at it as a kid. Maybe because when I was growing up there weren't any professional soccer teams to cheer for. Maybe it's because I like to use my hands more than Helen Keller did. There are many reasons that I don't like soccer (futbol), but I think the main one has got to be that everytime I write the word soccer (futbol), I have to use parenthesis. I'd never have to do that with basketball (basquetball) or football (succor).