Fridays Off

I recently started a new job and it's been great. The work is challenging, the people are nice and the best part... it's only four days a week! Even better than that, it pays better than my last job, and is one less day a week. Win/Win! The coolest part about having a "free" day weekly is all the stuff I'm able to get done on my off day. I can write, set up appointments, have lunch with friends, spend quality time with the dogs, clean the apartment - the possibilities are endless. So endless, in fact, that I wind up doing the exact same thing every Friday... Nothing!

Now, it's not like I'm waking up super late or staying in bed and sleeping the day away. I'm getting up early with my girlfriend to walk the dogs. She, like most other people in the world, go to work on Fridays - what suckers! We wake up around 6:30 AM and take the dogs for a mile and a half. Yeah, that's right - 6:30 AM! What are we, farmers?! And you read that correctly, a mile and a half! That's like a full marathon! What are we, Kenyans?!

We get back a little after 7 AM and then it's a great start to the day - A cup of coffee and internet browsing. I check email, fantasy baseball scores, news of the day and, of course, have to check what celebrities kicked the bucket in the middle of the night. I like to stay up to date with my celebrity dead pool. So far this year I've received points because Sid Caesar and Casey Kasem took a dirt nap. I'm currently in 4th place but if Jenna Jameson goes six feet under, I'll jump up to 1st. And because she's a famous porn star, I should clarify the last sentence. I did say six feet under, not under six feet.

While I'm drinking my coffee and screwing around on the world wide web, I have lofty goals. I say to myself, "Once I finish this cup of joe, I'm going to get so much work done."  The problem is once I finish a cup of coffee, I start realizing that I should actually do something worthwhile. The problem with that is I don't want to do anything. The solution to that is to make another cup of coffee. I did say to myself that I would work as soon as I finish my cup of coffee, but I never said after my first cup. The way I look at it, I can make pot after pot of coffee and I'd never have to do anything. Well, I'd have to do at least one thing, and that would be to clean up all the diarrhea I've expelled after drinking a half gallon of coffee.

I do wind up drinking a lot of coffee on these Fridays but the weird part is, I don't like the taste of coffee. I do very much like the taste of sugar and milk though so really my coffee is pretty much equal parts sugar/milk/coffee. Why drink it, you ask? Because it seems like the thing you're supposed to do. I like having caffeine in the morning but the thought of drinking a Jolt Cola right after the sun comes up doesn't appeal to me. The "adult" thing to do is to drink coffee and I'm a full fledged grown man. It shouldn't matter that I like my coffee like I like my women... Sweet, decadent and the ability to put me in a diabetic coma.

It's not like I waste my entire day doing nothing. After partaking in seventeen Buzzfeed quiz's asking, "What vegetable side dish are you?," I hit up the living room and watch whatever late night talk shows I DVR'd earlier in the week. Sometimes I get lucky with a Don Rickles or Steve Martin appearance. Most of the time I get confused as to why I set my DVR to record Tom Green on Craig Ferguson. First of all, why is Tom Green on a talk show and second of all, how the hell did Craig Ferguson get a show? I ponder questions like this as I slip into a sugar crash induced slumber.

When I wake up five hours later, I'm reminded of all the things I was supposed to get done on my day off. Clean the apartment, do some laundry and wash some dishes. Seems like a very simple thing to do with all the free time I have. You know what, I'm going to take care of that right this second... Actually, maybe I'll wait a little while. After all, there is a new quiz I can take that will let me know, "What 1990's failed TV Show are you?"... Oh, I hope I get Cop Rock!