I recently started a new job and it's been great. The work is challenging, the people are nice and the best part... it's only four days a week! Even better than that, it pays better than my last job, and is one less day a week. Win/Win! The coolest part about having a "free" day weekly is all the stuff I'm able to get done on my off day. I can write, set up appointments, have lunch with friends, spend quality time with the dogs, clean the apartment - the possibilities are endless. So endless, in fact, that I wind up doing the exact same thing every Friday... Nothing!
Now, it's not like I'm waking up super late or staying in bed and sleeping the day away. I'm getting up early with my girlfriend to walk the dogs. She, like most other people in the world, go to work on Fridays - what suckers! We wake up around 6:30 AM and take the dogs for a mile and a half. Yeah, that's right - 6:30 AM! What are we, farmers?! And you read that correctly, a mile and a half! That's like a full marathon! What are we, Kenyans?!
We get back a little after 7 AM and then it's a great start to the day - A cup of coffee and internet browsing. I check email, fantasy baseball scores, news of the day and, of course, have to check what celebrities kicked the bucket in the middle of the night. I like to stay up to date with my celebrity dead pool. So far this year I've received points because Sid Caesar and Casey Kasem took a dirt nap. I'm currently in 4th place but if Jenna Jameson goes six feet under, I'll jump up to 1st. And because she's a famous porn star, I should clarify the last sentence. I did say six feet under, not under six feet.
While I'm drinking my coffee and screwing around on the world wide web, I have lofty goals. I say to myself, "Once I finish this cup of joe, I'm going to get so much work done." The problem is once I finish a cup of coffee, I start realizing that I should actually do something worthwhile. The problem with that is I don't want to do anything. The solution to that is to make another cup of coffee. I did say to myself that I would work as soon as I finish my cup of coffee, but I never said after my first cup. The way I look at it, I can make pot after pot of coffee and I'd never have to do anything. Well, I'd have to do at least one thing, and that would be to clean up all the diarrhea I've expelled after drinking a half gallon of coffee.
I do wind up drinking a lot of coffee on these Fridays but the weird part is, I don't like the taste of coffee. I do very much like the taste of sugar and milk though so really my coffee is pretty much equal parts sugar/milk/coffee. Why drink it, you ask? Because it seems like the thing you're supposed to do. I like having caffeine in the morning but the thought of drinking a Jolt Cola right after the sun comes up doesn't appeal to me. The "adult" thing to do is to drink coffee and I'm a full fledged grown man. It shouldn't matter that I like my coffee like I like my women... Sweet, decadent and the ability to put me in a diabetic coma.
It's not like I waste my entire day doing nothing. After partaking in seventeen Buzzfeed quiz's asking, "What vegetable side dish are you?," I hit up the living room and watch whatever late night talk shows I DVR'd earlier in the week. Sometimes I get lucky with a Don Rickles or Steve Martin appearance. Most of the time I get confused as to why I set my DVR to record Tom Green on Craig Ferguson. First of all, why is Tom Green on a talk show and second of all, how the hell did Craig Ferguson get a show? I ponder questions like this as I slip into a sugar crash induced slumber.
When I wake up five hours later, I'm reminded of all the things I was supposed to get done on my day off. Clean the apartment, do some laundry and wash some dishes. Seems like a very simple thing to do with all the free time I have. You know what, I'm going to take care of that right this second... Actually, maybe I'll wait a little while. After all, there is a new quiz I can take that will let me know, "What 1990's failed TV Show are you?"... Oh, I hope I get Cop Rock!
Friday, June 27, 2014
Friday, June 20, 2014
The Bored Cup
Every four years, something happens that unites even the strangest of strangers. It's an event that transcends languages and dialects. It brings everyone together despite geography, cultures and religions. I'm, of course, talking about U2 albums but the same can be said about the World Cup. The World Cup is the Olympics if the Olympics only had one sport that Americans are bad at and using your hands is a no-no. In that way, the World Cup is very similar to my sex life.
The World Cup is just one big ol' month of soccer. Actually, it's just one big ol' month of futbol. There's a weird thing happening where some countries call it futbol and others call it soccer. I understand that here in America it's called Soccer because we already have football. This doesn't make sense because football is played with hands. We can't call it handball though, because there's already a sport called handball which is racquetball without a racket. What's the different between a racket and a racquet? A "q." What's the difference between Daniel Craig and every other James Bond? Different "Q's."
Everybody makes a big deal out of the World Cup. People analyze every matchup, every player, every time slot. Fans "ooh" and "ahh" with every kick. Viewers yell at the screen when someone fakes a brutal injury. Now I understand that The World Cup is a big deal and the matches are intense and climactic, but it's normally two hours that result in 3 scores. If you're watching 2 hours of basketball, there will be more scoring than Leonardo DiCaprio at the Victoria Secret's Fashion Show.
As much as soccer (futbol) bores me, I'll still watch when the USA takes the field. Maybe it's American pride, maybe it's the thrill of competition, maybe it's because there's nothing else to do on a Sunday in June. If I'm going to watch though, I'd rather watch in a bar. Same thing can be said about the NBA All-Star game, opening weekend of NFL Football, and a 22 minute video of buff men in tighty-whiteys doing push-ups. (I once spent happy hour in the Castro section of San Francisco.)
I know that I want the USA to win. I also know that the USA has no chance to win. Soccer (futbol) is one of the few organized sports that the USA doesn't excel at. We kick ass in basketball, swimming, gymnastics, track and field, baseball, football, skiing, skating, snowboarding, skateboarding and waterboarding. Once the USA is out of the tournament I just don't care. That is unless the Germany team is still in it and I can go against them. I can cheer for Germany to lose The World Cup for a couple great reasons.
1) What they did to Jews in World War II.
2) Dirk Nowitzki doesn't play soccer.
I probably will watch a few non USA matches and I probably will appreciate the athleticism, determination and intensity of the players. The greatest athletes in the world are soccer (futbol) players. They run the equivalent of a marathon in 120 minutes. All over the world they are revered as Gods among men. They have cool names like Pele and Ronaldo. I should like soccer (futbol) but I find it difficult to enjoy. Maybe it's because I wasn't very good at it as a kid. Maybe because when I was growing up there weren't any professional soccer teams to cheer for. Maybe it's because I like to use my hands more than Helen Keller did. There are many reasons that I don't like soccer (futbol), but I think the main one has got to be that everytime I write the word soccer (futbol), I have to use parenthesis. I'd never have to do that with basketball (basquetball) or football (succor).
The World Cup is just one big ol' month of soccer. Actually, it's just one big ol' month of futbol. There's a weird thing happening where some countries call it futbol and others call it soccer. I understand that here in America it's called Soccer because we already have football. This doesn't make sense because football is played with hands. We can't call it handball though, because there's already a sport called handball which is racquetball without a racket. What's the different between a racket and a racquet? A "q." What's the difference between Daniel Craig and every other James Bond? Different "Q's."
Everybody makes a big deal out of the World Cup. People analyze every matchup, every player, every time slot. Fans "ooh" and "ahh" with every kick. Viewers yell at the screen when someone fakes a brutal injury. Now I understand that The World Cup is a big deal and the matches are intense and climactic, but it's normally two hours that result in 3 scores. If you're watching 2 hours of basketball, there will be more scoring than Leonardo DiCaprio at the Victoria Secret's Fashion Show.
As much as soccer (futbol) bores me, I'll still watch when the USA takes the field. Maybe it's American pride, maybe it's the thrill of competition, maybe it's because there's nothing else to do on a Sunday in June. If I'm going to watch though, I'd rather watch in a bar. Same thing can be said about the NBA All-Star game, opening weekend of NFL Football, and a 22 minute video of buff men in tighty-whiteys doing push-ups. (I once spent happy hour in the Castro section of San Francisco.)
I know that I want the USA to win. I also know that the USA has no chance to win. Soccer (futbol) is one of the few organized sports that the USA doesn't excel at. We kick ass in basketball, swimming, gymnastics, track and field, baseball, football, skiing, skating, snowboarding, skateboarding and waterboarding. Once the USA is out of the tournament I just don't care. That is unless the Germany team is still in it and I can go against them. I can cheer for Germany to lose The World Cup for a couple great reasons.
1) What they did to Jews in World War II.
2) Dirk Nowitzki doesn't play soccer.
I probably will watch a few non USA matches and I probably will appreciate the athleticism, determination and intensity of the players. The greatest athletes in the world are soccer (futbol) players. They run the equivalent of a marathon in 120 minutes. All over the world they are revered as Gods among men. They have cool names like Pele and Ronaldo. I should like soccer (futbol) but I find it difficult to enjoy. Maybe it's because I wasn't very good at it as a kid. Maybe because when I was growing up there weren't any professional soccer teams to cheer for. Maybe it's because I like to use my hands more than Helen Keller did. There are many reasons that I don't like soccer (futbol), but I think the main one has got to be that everytime I write the word soccer (futbol), I have to use parenthesis. I'd never have to do that with basketball (basquetball) or football (succor).
Friday, June 6, 2014
When the girlfriend's away...
My lady just celebrated her birthday. I'm sure it was a lovely day for her. For starters, she had to get up at 4 AM, so she could take a four and a half hour long plane ride from Los Angeles to Nashville. She then got to celebrate her day of birth by working till midnight. This might all sound pretty bad on a normal day, let alone your bday, but she did have one positive thing going for her on this magical day. She didn't have to spend it with me. Now, I'm sure she loves me, and I know I love her, but everyone deserves a spousal break every now and then... especially her.
She got to celebrate her birthday without me, but she was surrounded by co-workers, put up in a nice hotel, given a per diem, and got to experience the culture of one of the coolest cities in the United States, Nashville. I, on the other hand, got to hang out all by myself with two needy dogs and DVR filled with crap that I've been putting off for just this occasion. There are many fun things I can do while the GF is away, and only a couple of them include touching my own penis.
For starters, I can eat donuts for breakfast! If I had my way I'd eat donuts for breakfast every day, and probably lunch and dinner as well. When my lady is around, I can have a donut every now and then, but would have to hide the evidence if I ate them more than once every few months. This week, I can let my freaky donut flag fly by popping those little buggers in my mouth the way Homer Simpson would after coming off the Atkins diet.
Another cool thing I can do when she's not around is watch afternoon baseball. When I'm "working" from home and decide to take a three hour break to watch the Rangers, Rays or Twins lose (this happens a lot this season), my girlfriend doesn't like that. When she gets home from a hard day of actual work and finds me sitting on the couch and screaming at a left fielder to "dive for the fucking ball" it makes her a tad angry. If she's going to slave away all day to bring home the bacon, the least I can do is pretend to help out. Now matter how many strikeouts Yu Darvish gets in a game, it still won't help me find a job. It might get me 70 bucks in my fantasy league though.
Speaking of that, I can be on my fantasy baseball site all day. I don't have to click away to job board sites every time my GF walks by the room. This week I've proposed 6 trades, add/dropped 4 players, changed my lineup every 18 minutes, and read about 1600 blogs on which starting pitchers are destined to have Tommy John surgery in the next 3 weeks. By the way, if Mark Teixeira gets another home run while riding my bench, I'm going to set my computer on fire.
One more advantage of my little princess leaving me by my lonesome is that I don't have to keep up with my set of household chores. The bed will not be made every morning, the dishes will not be washed, the pillows and blankets will not be put away, the laundry will not be laundered and my stinky body will not be showered. In fact, I don't have to shower for a week if I don't want to. The only time I'm showering in the first place is when I have someplace to go. When she's away, I never have to go anywhere. I can watch Arnold Schwarzenegger movies and wallow in my own filth for six straight days.
Now don't get me wrong, I love my girlfriend and would do anything for her, but when she's not around there's nothing she needs me to do. Right now there's only one thing that needs to be done... Bring on another dozen of glazed twists!!!
She got to celebrate her birthday without me, but she was surrounded by co-workers, put up in a nice hotel, given a per diem, and got to experience the culture of one of the coolest cities in the United States, Nashville. I, on the other hand, got to hang out all by myself with two needy dogs and DVR filled with crap that I've been putting off for just this occasion. There are many fun things I can do while the GF is away, and only a couple of them include touching my own penis.
For starters, I can eat donuts for breakfast! If I had my way I'd eat donuts for breakfast every day, and probably lunch and dinner as well. When my lady is around, I can have a donut every now and then, but would have to hide the evidence if I ate them more than once every few months. This week, I can let my freaky donut flag fly by popping those little buggers in my mouth the way Homer Simpson would after coming off the Atkins diet.
Another cool thing I can do when she's not around is watch afternoon baseball. When I'm "working" from home and decide to take a three hour break to watch the Rangers, Rays or Twins lose (this happens a lot this season), my girlfriend doesn't like that. When she gets home from a hard day of actual work and finds me sitting on the couch and screaming at a left fielder to "dive for the fucking ball" it makes her a tad angry. If she's going to slave away all day to bring home the bacon, the least I can do is pretend to help out. Now matter how many strikeouts Yu Darvish gets in a game, it still won't help me find a job. It might get me 70 bucks in my fantasy league though.
Speaking of that, I can be on my fantasy baseball site all day. I don't have to click away to job board sites every time my GF walks by the room. This week I've proposed 6 trades, add/dropped 4 players, changed my lineup every 18 minutes, and read about 1600 blogs on which starting pitchers are destined to have Tommy John surgery in the next 3 weeks. By the way, if Mark Teixeira gets another home run while riding my bench, I'm going to set my computer on fire.
One more advantage of my little princess leaving me by my lonesome is that I don't have to keep up with my set of household chores. The bed will not be made every morning, the dishes will not be washed, the pillows and blankets will not be put away, the laundry will not be laundered and my stinky body will not be showered. In fact, I don't have to shower for a week if I don't want to. The only time I'm showering in the first place is when I have someplace to go. When she's away, I never have to go anywhere. I can watch Arnold Schwarzenegger movies and wallow in my own filth for six straight days.
Now don't get me wrong, I love my girlfriend and would do anything for her, but when she's not around there's nothing she needs me to do. Right now there's only one thing that needs to be done... Bring on another dozen of glazed twists!!!
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