Spring Cleaning

This last weekend was spent doing the most fun thing anyone can do with their spare time. No, I'm not talking about raiding my girlfriends make-up cabinet and dancing around to Culture Club's "Karma Chameleon." I'm talking about cleaning out and organizing the closets in my apartment.

Last week I was really looking forward to the fun, laid back activites that we had planned. Long walks with the dogs, watching playoff basketball from my couch and a round of golf. Sounds like a great relaxing weekend. That was, of course, until my girlfriend decided that she should clean out and organize the closets. By the way, when I say she decided that SHE should clean, I really mean she decided that WE should clean. SHE and WE sound very similar but they mean very different things.

We started with our hallway closet which is mainly towels but there are a few things scattered about: bedsheets, pillow cases, purses, an old Wham! cassette tape and winter clothes. We live in Los Angeles so that explains why our winter clothes were tucked away in some closet with little access. I live in the '80's which explains the Wham! tape. Our first order of business was to move the winter clothes into a big bin that we could keep in the garage. Again, we never have to wear these clothes. The only reason we have them is because we sometimes spend a few days of winter in Minnesota. If you've ever been to Minnesota in the winter, you understand why we need a super heavy coat, gloves or mittens, knit caps, scarves and thermal underwear. If you've never been to Minnesota in the winter, it's the equivalent of living in a large freezer where the ice cream is very friendly and can't stop talking about Joe Mauer.

Once we finished the hallway closet, we tackled the bedroom closet. The bedroom closet is generally where the co-habitants hang their clothes in blissful harmony. At our place, my girlfriend has the ENTIRE closet and I get to hang up my clothes in the the other room. It works out though because she needs room for Casual dresses, formal dresses, tank tops, T-shirts, jeans, pants, skirts, sweaters, shoes, belts, workout clothes, leggings, jeggings and possibly other stuff that ends in 'gings. I understand that she needs a lot of room but she should be able to share with me. After all, how much room do two pairs of jeans and seventeen T-shirts with the Dallas Mavericks logo really take up?

After we finished our, ahem, HER closet, we took on the daunting task of cleaning out the dining room closet which is... (cue scary music) THE CLOSET UNDER THE STAIRS!!!! (cue Vincent Price evil laugh from the ending of Michael Jackson's "Thriller"). Now this closet is legitimately scary. It is filled with old clothes, old board games, old sports equipment, old boxes, old fans, old space heaters, old vacuum cleaner, old boxes of old photos, old bags filled with old wrapping paper, and a very old smell. This closet smells dirty and grungy like how Kurt Cobain would've smelled. Actually it smells more like how Kurt Cobain would smell now.

Once cleaned and organized we were able to pack up six huge bins we bought last week from Target. We would've filled up all nine bins, but we were missing three of the lids that were sold separately. I was in charge of making sure we had all the corresponding lids to each of the bins we had purchased. I, instead, spent my Target time buying week old Easter candy instead of properly counting the lids. In my defense, they were selling Reeses Peanut Butter Bunnies, Cadbury Mini Chocolate Eggs and Sweet-tart Ducks for half price. What's a Jew to do? Also, what the f#*k do ducks have to do with Easter?

The boxes were packed up and ready to move into the garage, but first we had to make sure the garage was cleaned. The garage is as much fun as the "under the stairs" closet but with the added pleasure of bugs. Anytime I had to put my hand behind something in the back of the garage to move it, I imagined myself in "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom." I am not a fan of insects, I find them repulsive which is why it doesn't surprise me that "insects" and "incest" sound so similar.

All in all, it was a job that had to be done. The closets are clean and organized. It is now possible to see the items we have without having to move through the closet like we're heading out into the Amazon. We can walk in and smoothly grab all the stuff we need whether it's dog food, the vacuum cleaner or an autographed poster of Duran Duran, all the important things in life.