I heard a little buzzing sound this morning while I was working in my home office. No big deal, there are a couple of windows where the desk is situated, I hear sounds of "wildlife" every now and then. The buzzing was a little annoying but not nearly as annoying as the whiny voice of the man who lives in the apartment next door who is constantly answering the phone and then yelling at whoever is on the other line. Wife, mother, son, daughter, telemarketer - it doesn't matter, this dude loves to yell. The buzzing is actually comforting compared to Mr. Loud Whiny Voice so no big deal. That is until I discovered the buzzing was coming from... INSIDE THE ROOM!!!!
It turns out that the buzzing I was hearing is from a wasp or hornet or whatever those scary looking, winged bastards are outside my window. Now, I'm not a big fan of insects anyway but I'm especially not a fan of insects that have the capability to cause me physical pain. These mofo's have stingers! I might even be allergic to them for all I know because I've never been stung by anything ever. Not by a bee, a wasp, a hornet, a scorpion, not even a jellyfish. The closest I've ever come to a sting was when I saw The Police's Reunion Tour on VH1.
Normally in a situation when a tiny flying pest is in my apartment, I do what any strong heroic man would do... I scream, run into the other room and cry to my girlfriend until she takes care of it. It was truly a scary day at the Schwartz/Silvi abode because my girlfriend was nowhere to be seen. She had some sort of thing she has to do on Mondays thru Fridays from 9 AM to 6 PM. She calls it work, which sucks for most people, but if your life is shared with me, every opportunity to get out of the house is like Club Med.
I had to take matters into my own hands so I quickly jumped up out of the chair like I was on fire and looked for anything I can find that will let me smash the buzzing asshole. Well, I didn't exactly jump up quickly like I was on fire, I actually stood up frighteningly slow. Not that it was so slow that it was scary, more like I'm scared so it's slow. I found a shoe and knew I had to take care of the flapping prick. I wanted to approach rapidly and with confidence, but instead I approached like I was drunk and disoriented. I looked like a first grader at a children's birthday party after they had been spun around before walking up to hit a pinata.
The wasp had made it's way to the door in the front of the room. It was circling around and not landing on any surface that would've allowed me to whack it. Every now and then it would land on the light fixture which was no mans land for the shoe. If I had hit it, it would just bust the light, shattering the glass lamp and the lightbulb all over the floor. It would also give the insect a chance to get away while I would be forced to walk around on broken glass as if I were Annie Lennox.
Since the culprit wouldn't leave the safety of the light fixture, I thought of a way to get it to move without having to be too close and therefore too scared. I was holding the left footed shoe so I grabbed the right footed one and threw that close to the light, scaring the wasp and making it fly off the light. Success!!! Well, it seemed like success, but it actually made the fluttering dickhead fly right at me. In a genuine moment of panic, I was able to duck under the kamikaze wasp and it made it's way to the wall by the windows. I raised the shoe above my head and marched straight ahead to show the insect who was boss. I was scared, confused and bewildered but I knew that the nightmare would not be over until that wasp was beaten like Jay-Z in an elevator.
I inched closer and closer to the aerial assassin, shoe held at perfect ninety degree angle, and was just about to pounce when the small-scale shithead found his way on the window screen. The screen is even worse than the light fixture! There is no way to blast that bitch into oblivion while he was on a window screen. Even if I attempted to, it would work like a trampoline and I would have just flung the fucker into my face. The only thing I could do was close the window, trapping the twat between the screen and the glass. I was prepared to just wait and watch him die slowly, but then realized something... We have RAID!!! I grabbed the big black can of Wasp/Hornet/Flying Insect Raid and headed out the back door.
I walked around the corner cautiously, maybe our little bugger has friends that were patiently waiting to sting whatever asshole comes around the corner. Maybe the whole thing was an elaborate scheme to get caught between the window and the screen and then have the gang attack whoever shows up to Raid them. "He can't take us all!!!" they'd say in their stupid insect language as they fly at me like the Galaga arcade game. I turned the corner and there was no other bug there. Just our little nemesis trapped like Cherie in a refrigerator from that episode of "Punky Brewster."
I sprayed the crap out of that dude and it felt good. I now have the taste of insect blood! No hornet can stop me! I'm going to throw punches at each and every one of you. Wasps, hornets, and flying insects, meet your new worst nightmare - Solange Schwartz!
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