My days are generally spent at home staring at a computer screen, writing and reading, with the frequent interruption of dogs barking at someone or something out the front window. My office is in the back of the house, so jumping up and running down the long hallway, past the bathroom and the kitchen, through the dining room and finding myself in the living room yelling at two pooches who have literally been barking at absolute nothing is about the only relief I get. Being holed up in a small room on the bottom right of a Four-plex apartment, sitting at a desktop computer and trying desperately to come up with the next "Seinfeld" can be take its toll sometimes. Luckily for me, every now and then, I get to run some errands.
Most people I know feel very burdened by having to take care of the "real" things in their life. Grocery shopping, picking up laundry, vehicle maintenance, getting your hair did, returning the twelve pack of boxer briefs to Target because they "rubbed the wrong way" are just a few of the many expeditions you'll be forced to do throughout the month. It all sounds annoying but when my options are continuing my diagnosis of Cabin Fever or going to drop off two full boxes of VHS tapes at Goodwill, I'll take the latter every time. As a matter of fact, in one of those boxes is a copy of Eli Roth's directorial debut, "Cabin Fever" so it just feels right.
Today is going to be a great day because I have three things I have to do. Ahhh, take it all in, THREE whole things. I can't wait for the day to begin. These are relatively small and mundane things but it may as well be Disneyland for me. This will be, like, two and half hours worth of time eaten away from my day. That's almost three hours that I won't have to be cramped up on in my place, trying to avoid eating another sleeve of graham crackers. Three hours! That's almost as much time it takes to wait in line for Space Mountain!
I'm going to start my super busy day with a quick jaunt over to pick up some laundry. The cleaners near my place is called Celebrity Cleaners. I assumed it's called this because it's close to Hollywood and has framed autograph pictures from their "celebrity" clientele. Celebrity is in quotations because I don't think you'd consider the third lead in a Cialis commercial a true celebrity. I hand the ticket to the person behind the counter and then get to watch the roller coaster of clothes weave their way throughout the shop. All the while, Cialis commercial actor's headshot is staring right at me, making my boner go down.
Once I get the laundry, it's off to my Pep Boys appointment. I have the fortune of taking my lady's car to get an oil change and fresh new wiper blades. This is a great way to spend a Tuesday. Sitting in a dirty cramped waiting room, drinking stale coffee, watching Judge Judy and reading a Motor Trend magazine with the Cover Story, "Most Efficient Cars of 2008." It's either that or an old People Magazine with the headline, "Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston: Nothing Gets in the Way of Hollywood's Most in Love Couple." I think we all know by now that there is definitely something that can get in the way of this couple, and this thing no longer has tits.
After the Pep Boys lube up my sweetheart's front parts, it's off to Trader Joe's. Grocery shopping can be irritating but it's one of the few joys in my life nowadays. That is, grocery shopping at a big store with ample parking is. The Trader Joe's in my neighborhood is a monstrosity. There are about 20 parking spots, but generally about 100 people shopping. Most of your shopping experience is sitting in the car waiting for someone to leave the store. If this isn't bad enough, you'll also have Eduardo, the parking lot attendant constantly yell at you to "Back up, Senor." The only comfort I get is from the 80's station on Sirius satellite radio - As long as there's a chance to hear Tommy Tutone then I'm a happy man.
After all my responsibilities are taken care of, I'll return to my home with a true sense of accomplishment. My tuxedo is clean and neatly pressed, my freezer is full of Trader Joe's "Mini Mint Ice Cream Mouthfuls," and my girl's car is running smoother than Angelina Jolie's vacant booby bags. It'll be a real productive day!
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