I, like many other people in the world, experience some back pain every once in a while. I'm sure it's from the many years of playing All American level football for my State Championship winning High School football team, helping Grandpappy out on the farm during the grueling summers of North Carolina, or from making up wild claims about how I spent my youth. It's probably from sitting weird on the couch for 30 years while watching TV. It doesn't matter how I hurt my back, it only matters that it hurts, so I'll give you a few ways you can diminish your pain.
1. Stretch - The doctor told me to do yoga. I tried to, but when I went to the studio, the yoga instructor asked me how long I've been doing it. I said, with a smile, "It's my first time!" She replied, without a smile, "Oh, you can't be in here then. I don't want you to hurt yourself." Now if you know anything about me, it's that when someone tells me I can't do something, I spend every waking hour of my life practicing, getting better and ultimately proving to them that I deserve to be there. And you if you REALLY know anything about me, you'll know that when someone says, "You can't do that." I immediately react by saying, "Yeah, I know. I can't do anything. I'm a failure and a worthless human being. Thank you for being honest and forthright with me. The fact that you're even speaking to such a lower class person makes you a saint in the eyes of the Lord." Needless to say, I've never been back to a Yoga studio.
2. Eat Better - How does locally grown green vegetables, grass fed organic hormone free beef, and free range vegetarian fed chicken eggs sound? Pretty good, right? Now, how does a Frito Pie with extra chili and cheese, a dozen Cadbury Cream Eggs, and a thick Peanut Butter and Chocolate Milkshake sound? Now that I think about it, it's my back that hurts, not my mouth. I'm going to eat whatever I damn well please.
3. Lift with your Legs, not with your Back - Whoa, wait a second. I lift with my arms like a normal person. What kind of a moron lifts things with their legs. Oh, are you talking about one of those Youtube vidoes where people that are missing their arms make peanut butter sandwiches, draw a picture and drive a car with their feet? Those people are amazing. Making peanut butter sandwiches with their feet! So inspiring. It inspires me to never eat another peanut butter sandwich. Gross! You want to hear the worst part? I Love peanut butter. Thanks for ruining my favorite food, Armless Betty.
4. Apply Ice or Heat - Some people will tell you to ice down your back. Others will tell you to place a heating pad on the sore area. Some, crazily enough, will tell you to do both. Well, I'm not falling for that. Both heat and cold? Not a fan. I once used a Trojan Fire and Ice condom that promises you a "warming and tingling sensation for you and your partner." What it should promise you is "all the pain and confusion of gonorrhea without the pleasure of having sex with a bachelor party stripper."
5. Take a couple aspirin - Sounds legit. Take a few pills and the pain will subside for a few hours. I'll tell you what I learned. Take a couple Vicodins and wash them down with three quarters of a bottle of Jack Daniels and you won't feel the pain all night. The next day you will, however, have a splitting headache, Sahara Desert like dryness of your mouth and the pain and confusion of gonorrhea from a bachelor party stripper.
Hope this helps!
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