Truth or Dare

When I was a wee lad, the season I looked forward to the most was the summer. School lets out in June, my birthday is in July and August, I'm sure, has some redeeming qualities. The main reason I loved the summertime is because of the camp I went to. It was a day camp at the Dallas Jewish Community Center called Performing Arts Camp. It was "Glee" minus the homo-eroticism. The highlight of summer camp every year was the sleepover we would have for one night during the second to last week. We would order pizza for dinner, perform in a talent show and have a dance featuring the hits of Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson, Bryan Adams and other singers that are no longer alive. After the dance, the counselors would go to sleep, and a few of the campers would partake in an epic game of "Truth or Dare." This was always my favorite part of the ENTIRE summer. It was better than 4th of July fireworks, vacations and any new Weird Al song rolled into one. As a child, there is no single event better than a game of Truth or Dare. As an adult, it's not so great.

I participated in T&D this past weekend. Since the group of participants were non-swinging couples in their 30's, it might as well have been D&D. As a kid, anything could happen. If you picked dare, the possibilities were endless. You could be forced to kiss someone you didn't like or have the fortune of kissing someone you did like all while trying to hide your boner. If you picked truth, you'd pretty much only be asked who you would want to kiss. Come to think of it, truth was pretty worthless. As a non swinging adult, the possibilities are anything but endless. For instance, if my girlfriend picks dare and I dare her to kiss some dude, then I'm an idiot. If she picks truth and I ask her who she wants to kiss, I'm a bigger idiot, because it for sure wouldn't be me.

Another reason, truth or dare doesn't work too well for me and my friends as an adult is because there are no stakes. As a kid, someone dared you to strip down to your underwear and run down the hallway, you did it no questions asked. You'd probably be devastatingly embarrassed about having to do it but not nearly as embarrassed as you would be if you refused and everybody yelled at you. As an adult, who gives a shit if someone tries to peer pressure you. If someone dared me to slather my dick in peanut butter and have the family dog lick it off, I'd tell them to go "f'" themselves. I'm not going to waste delicious peanut butter on a fucking dog.

As a kid, the most exhilarating thing that could happen for a game of truth or dare is to be dared to spend a certain amount of time with someone in a private location. It could be a small closet or a large room. The important part was that the place needed to be as bare as my elementary school genitals. As an adult, we're far too lazy to actually move locations for a stupid dare. If I was dared to spend 2 minutes with my girlfriend in an unoccupied bathroom, we'd eventually do what we normally do in a bathroom: pee all over each other.

The next time you want to re-live your youth, instead of a game of truth and dare, I recommend you try something where the nostalgia holds up better. Maybe a game of horseshoes. Or even better, whore shoes. A prostitute's footwear always brings me back to the good old days. I think because of the smell.