What to do if your vehicle is stolen.

Hello Readers,

Been a long time since I wrote to you. I'm sure you missed me just as much as I missed you. Let's list some things that have happened to me since the last time I blogged...
1. I got a job as a script coordinator on the sitcom, Mr. Box Office!
2. I was able to write an episode of Mr. Box Office!
2. That job went into a "surprise" hiatus.
3. Went back to said job!
4. Car got all stolen.
5. Job went back into another "surprise hiatus.

I am currently unemployed and car-less. Since I have no place to go and no way to get there, I'll walk you through the eight steps of what to do if your car, truck, van, motorcycle or Vespa is stolen. We're walking through these steps because driving through them is no longer an option.

Step 1: Walk to the last place your car was parked. This will immediately be followed by confusion. The conversation in your head will go something like this:
You: "Hmmm, I believe I parked here."
Your Brain: "Maybe you parked someplace else?"
You: "I distinctly remember parking right here."
Your Brain: "Is it possible that you're forgetting that you actually parked down the street? Why don't you take a walk around the block?"
You: "I hate walking!"
Your Brain: "You better get used to it, Chump."
 I'm not exactly sure why your brain speaks to you like a douche, but hey, it's your brain.

Step 2: Text or call your girlfriend, boyfriend, roommate, brother, sister, mother, father, lover, landlord or combination of any of these. Hopefully the combo won't be of the father, mother, sister, brother/lover ilk, but who am I to judge? You should text them some phrase along the lines of what I texted to my girlfriend/lover/dishwasher:
Actual text: "Weird question, but do you remember where I parked on Saturday?"
Not exactly sure why I prefaced it with, "weird question," because I've texted much weirder things to her without a "Brace yourself" type intro. Below is an actual text message to my girlfriend from this morning, January 14, 2014 at 10:17 AM...
"I tried to stretch this morning but wasn't able to because Bugsy kept licking my balls."
That is so much weirder than "where did I park?", right?

Step 3: Start walking towards the metro station in a daze. If you're lucky like me, the Metro Red Line station at Sunset and Vermont will be .7 miles from your apartment. If you're unlucky, like me, the Metro Red Line station at Sunset and Vermont will be the location of three stabbings in 2013.

Step 4: Start looking up tow truck companies in the neighborhood to call and see if your car/truck/van/motorcycle/Vespa was towed. Spend the entire 30 minute plus ride researching and writing down numbers of the dozens of tow truck companies until your girlfriend texts you:
Actual Text from my lady: "Call the Police first. Tow Truck companies have to report tows to the police. Don't waste your time looking up Tow Trucks"
Actual thought in my brain: "Too late, honey."

Step 5: Call Police. Listen to them tell you that since your car is a Honda, it is the most stolen car every year. They will also tell you that the possibility of getting car back is pretty slim. Continue listening intently as they pretty much tell you that you're s#*t out of luck.

Step 6: Call the insurance company to let them know what happened. They will interview you for about 45 minutes to make sure that you're not making a false claim. The insurance adjustor will laugh at your dumb jokes and after you get off the phone with her, you will search for her on Facebook and think about setting her up with your buddy, Sean.

Step 7: Wait patiently for an insurance reimbursement check that will be deposited into your account and immediately sent to the Visa credit card company because you just HAD to spend lots of money to see the Dallas Cowboys beat the Minnesota Vikings in person.

Step 8: Ask anyone reading this if they know of anyone giving away free cars.

I hope you all learned something!