The Nine People (or Things) Your Dogs Will Bark At.

In honor of Mitch Albom's "The Five People You Meet in Heaven," Stephen R. Covey's "7 Habits of Highly Effective People," and Buzzfeed's "11 Reasons Why a Man Should Wear Lingerie to His Cousin's Bachelor Party" I give you Cary Schwartz's "The Nine People (or Things) Your Dog Will Bark At."

1. The Mail Carrier - It's an old cliche but dogs really do bark at the mailman. In our case, it's the mail woman, but I guess that's the liberal world we live in nowadays. Goddamn feminism taking over our country. The vaginas are taking away all our jobs!!! Sorry, had to channel Fox News for a second.... Our dogs sit by the window calmly for most of the day and then, as soon as Gertrude* the mail lady comes by, they bark like someone's robbing our apartment.
*I have no idea what the mail woman's name is but she kind of looks like a Gertrude.

2. Other Dogs - Our dogs will ALWAYS bark at other dogs. I know that they're just "talking" to them but if that's the case, then we have the most talkative dogs in the world. Our dogs must be the Wendy Williams of canines. Actually, Wendy Williams might be the Wendy Williams of canines. ZING!

3. My Nephew Nate - We adopted our dogs about 2 1/2 years ago when my nephew was 4. He came over and they barked at him. Because of this, he did what any 4 year old would do when 2 animals are loudly barking at him: He cried and tried to find someplace to hide. He eventually found what he thought was the perfect place to get away from the rabid* barking dogs. He locked himself up in their crate. Now if you thought the dogs were upset before at the spastic 4 year old who just entered their house like the Tasmanian Devil, imagine how they felt when the hyperactive child made himself at home in their "room." They went bananas.... RIP Nate**
*I'm only using the word "rabid" as a colorful adjective. The dogs do not have rabies.
**I'm only using RIP to evoke fake emotion in you. My nephew, Nate, is still alive... and still the Tasmanian Devil.

4. Cats - I know, the oldest cliche in the book, but our dogs go ballistic when they see a cat. It just so happens that our neighbor's cat, Jasper, likes to hang outside and  whenever our four legged angels see him (or maybe her. Not sure if Jasper is a boy or a girl), they bark like they're in Arsenio Hall's dog pound. BAM! Reference from the very early 90's! Or maybe a reference from Arsenio's current show. Not sure if he still has his "Dog Pound," because I don't watch his show. BTW - did you know that Arsenio has a talk show right now! Crazy, right?

5. The Elderly Asian Couple that walks around our block every day - Maybe it's their canes, maybe it's their khaki Members Only style jackets, maybe it's their Gorton's Fisherman type hats, but our dogs will bark their little balls* off at the two friendliest people in our neighborhood.
*Our puppies were neutered 2 years ago, so it would literally be impossible for them to bark their balls off.

6. Anybody on a Skateboard - We had a trainer come by at one point to help us learn how to control the wild beasts living in our apartment and he informed us that the reason dogs bark at skateboarders is because the wheels on the pavement sounds like growling. Now, I don't have the most keen ears in the world, but a skateboard does not sound like a growling dog. You know what animal a skateboard sounds like? A hawk... A TONY Hawk! BOOM!!!! See what I did there?!

7. My friend Brian - I think it's because his massive head confuses them. They probably think he's an Alien or, even worse, a 49'ers fan. A 49'ers fan who can never wear a hat.

8. Squirrels - I think it's because they want to eat them. A squirrel to a dog must be the most delicious looking thing in the world. A dog looking at a squirrel is probably equivalent to me looking at a Cadbury Cream Egg. I will stop at nothing to get that sweet Easter treat in my Cream Egg hole*
*I might have more than one Cream Egg hole.

9. You - If you come over our place, you will be barked at. The only exception will be if you have been over at least 5 times. If that's the case, you will not be barked at, but you will probably see a doggy boner.