Do you like movies? I sure do. Do you ever wonder if you and I like the same movies? I sure do. Do you ever have the dream that you're flying naked in front of a classroom as a tsunami is approaching while your teeth are falling out? I never have. If the first two questions were a yes, then keep reading. If the third question was a yes, maybe you want to get a little help. Here we go with, Cary Schwartz's Top 10 Movie's of 2013... and just so you know there may be spoilers but I bet you can handle it.
1. "Inside Llewen Davis" - I love every Coen Brother's film (excluding "The Ladykillers" and "Intolerable Cruelty") and this was no exception. It's wonderfully written, brilliantly directed, and terrifically acted. The Coen's are great at putting new talent like Oscar Isaac front and center with great results - They also did it a few years ago with Michael Stuhlbarg in "A Serious Man." Considering that every actor in the world wants to work with these guys, it seems like a ballsy move to have the entire movie rest on the shoulders of an actor that nobody has heard of, but Joel and Ethan obviously know what they're doing. They are the only filmmakers who can make uninteresting things seem very interesting.
2. "The Wolf of Wall Street" - Martin Scorsese (or Marty if you're in the know) is always mentioned as one of the greatest filmmakers who's ever made a film. If you watch "Goodfellas", "Taxi Driver" or "Raging Bull" you'll know why. If you watch "Bringing Out the Dead", "Shutter Island" or "The Color of Money" you might have your doubts. Now, "Wolf" is no "Goodfellas" but it is pretty damn good, fella (BAM!). This movie tells the true story of Jordan Belfort, a self made billionaire, who made insane amounts of money screwing people over in the '90's. Not to be confused with Heidi Fleiss who made insane amounts of money screwing people in the '90's. Leonardo DiCaprio (or Leo if you're in the know) is four shades of fantastic as one of the biggest douchebags who's ever appeared on the silver screen. Other notable movie douchebags are Tom Cruise (or Xenu, if you're in the know) in "Magnolia", Owen Wilson in "Cable Guy", and every character that will be in the upcoming Entourage movie.
3. "Captain Phillips" - A crazy, intense, edge of your seat pirate movie. A
helluva lot more exciting than The Pirate Movie with Christopher Atkins
and Kristy McNichol.
4. "The World's End" - Edgar Wright has made 4 films and I've loved every one. Simon Pegg is super duper hilarious in this movie and made me laugh on almost every line. This movie starts out as the story of 4 middle aged guys (or blokes if you're British) who attempt to recreate the epic pub crawl they failed to finish 20 years earlier. What starts out as 4 dudes (or chaps if you're British) reliving past glories quickly turns into sci-fi craziness where the 4 friends (or mates if you're British) discover that everybody in town, the town they grew up in, have been replaced with robots. Sounds weird, right? It is, but it's also hilarious and fun. I read an interview where Simon Pegg, who's sober, said that watching this movie might make you question your drunken ways. He was way wrong because as soon as the movie ended, me and the three people (or scallywags if you're British) I saw this with went straight to a bar and drank beer. Take that Pegg!
5. "Twelve Years a Slave" - Absolutely hilarious
6. "Star Trek: The Wrath of Cumberbatch" - J.J. Abrams is one of the most exciting filmmakers working today. He's a true directing star (Wars). I loved his first Star Trek and for this one, he (Empire) strikes back with another great romp. J.J. moved on to another big project so he won't return (of the Jedi) to Star Trek but he sure did make a couple fun ones. Benedict Cumberbatch was a fantastic (Phantom) menace, but he was no match for the Enterprise crew when they were finally able to attack (of the Clones) and seek their revenge (of the Sith) on him. I wonder what J.J. Abrams next big project will be?
7. "This is the End" - The absolute funniest and best movie where actors play themselves. This was the directorial debut of writing/producing/Jewish-ing partners Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg and I can't wait to see more directing gems from them.
8. "Jurassic Park 3D" - Yeah, yeah it's not technically a 2013 movie, but I only saw about 20 movies this year and one of them was "Man of Steel" which is one of the 5 worst movies ever made (Congo, Cutthroat Island, Batman and Robin, and Van Helsing) so you're gonna have to cut me some slack. Find me a scarier, more intense, nerve-racking scene than the T-Rex scene and I'll eat my hat. Actually I'll eat my brother's Jurassic Park hat he wore everyday from June 1993 to May 1996 (when he got a "Twister" hat).
9. "Gravity" - After seeing this in IMAX 3D, I turned to my buddy Creed and said, "That movie just blew my balls out." True story. Not that my balls actually blew out, but that I said it.
10. "Before Midnight" - Richard Linklater, Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke finish out their trilogy of two people walking around and talking in an exotic location. In this film, just like the other two, they literally just talk about bullshit for about 2 hours but it's captivating. This one is a little different than the previous two because now they're a couple so instead of just talking about stuff, they fight about stuff. Oh, and it's also different because you get to see Julie Delpy's boobs.
Now stop reading and go watch these movies.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
The Nine People (or Things) Your Dogs Will Bark At.
In honor of Mitch Albom's "The Five People You Meet in Heaven," Stephen R. Covey's "7 Habits of Highly Effective People," and Buzzfeed's "11 Reasons Why a Man Should Wear Lingerie to His Cousin's Bachelor Party" I give you Cary Schwartz's "The Nine People (or Things) Your Dog Will Bark At."
1. The Mail Carrier - It's an old cliche but dogs really do bark at the mailman. In our case, it's the mail woman, but I guess that's the liberal world we live in nowadays. Goddamn feminism taking over our country. The vaginas are taking away all our jobs!!! Sorry, had to channel Fox News for a second.... Our dogs sit by the window calmly for most of the day and then, as soon as Gertrude* the mail lady comes by, they bark like someone's robbing our apartment.
*I have no idea what the mail woman's name is but she kind of looks like a Gertrude.
2. Other Dogs - Our dogs will ALWAYS bark at other dogs. I know that they're just "talking" to them but if that's the case, then we have the most talkative dogs in the world. Our dogs must be the Wendy Williams of canines. Actually, Wendy Williams might be the Wendy Williams of canines. ZING!
3. My Nephew Nate - We adopted our dogs about 2 1/2 years ago when my nephew was 4. He came over and they barked at him. Because of this, he did what any 4 year old would do when 2 animals are loudly barking at him: He cried and tried to find someplace to hide. He eventually found what he thought was the perfect place to get away from the rabid* barking dogs. He locked himself up in their crate. Now if you thought the dogs were upset before at the spastic 4 year old who just entered their house like the Tasmanian Devil, imagine how they felt when the hyperactive child made himself at home in their "room." They went bananas.... RIP Nate**
*I'm only using the word "rabid" as a colorful adjective. The dogs do not have rabies.
**I'm only using RIP to evoke fake emotion in you. My nephew, Nate, is still alive... and still the Tasmanian Devil.
4. Cats - I know, the oldest cliche in the book, but our dogs go ballistic when they see a cat. It just so happens that our neighbor's cat, Jasper, likes to hang outside and whenever our four legged angels see him (or maybe her. Not sure if Jasper is a boy or a girl), they bark like they're in Arsenio Hall's dog pound. BAM! Reference from the very early 90's! Or maybe a reference from Arsenio's current show. Not sure if he still has his "Dog Pound," because I don't watch his show. BTW - did you know that Arsenio has a talk show right now! Crazy, right?
5. The Elderly Asian Couple that walks around our block every day - Maybe it's their canes, maybe it's their khaki Members Only style jackets, maybe it's their Gorton's Fisherman type hats, but our dogs will bark their little balls* off at the two friendliest people in our neighborhood.
*Our puppies were neutered 2 years ago, so it would literally be impossible for them to bark their balls off.
6. Anybody on a Skateboard - We had a trainer come by at one point to help us learn how to control the wild beasts living in our apartment and he informed us that the reason dogs bark at skateboarders is because the wheels on the pavement sounds like growling. Now, I don't have the most keen ears in the world, but a skateboard does not sound like a growling dog. You know what animal a skateboard sounds like? A hawk... A TONY Hawk! BOOM!!!! See what I did there?!
7. My friend Brian - I think it's because his massive head confuses them. They probably think he's an Alien or, even worse, a 49'ers fan. A 49'ers fan who can never wear a hat.
8. Squirrels - I think it's because they want to eat them. A squirrel to a dog must be the most delicious looking thing in the world. A dog looking at a squirrel is probably equivalent to me looking at a Cadbury Cream Egg. I will stop at nothing to get that sweet Easter treat in my Cream Egg hole*
*I might have more than one Cream Egg hole.
9. You - If you come over our place, you will be barked at. The only exception will be if you have been over at least 5 times. If that's the case, you will not be barked at, but you will probably see a doggy boner.
1. The Mail Carrier - It's an old cliche but dogs really do bark at the mailman. In our case, it's the mail woman, but I guess that's the liberal world we live in nowadays. Goddamn feminism taking over our country. The vaginas are taking away all our jobs!!! Sorry, had to channel Fox News for a second.... Our dogs sit by the window calmly for most of the day and then, as soon as Gertrude* the mail lady comes by, they bark like someone's robbing our apartment.
*I have no idea what the mail woman's name is but she kind of looks like a Gertrude.
2. Other Dogs - Our dogs will ALWAYS bark at other dogs. I know that they're just "talking" to them but if that's the case, then we have the most talkative dogs in the world. Our dogs must be the Wendy Williams of canines. Actually, Wendy Williams might be the Wendy Williams of canines. ZING!
3. My Nephew Nate - We adopted our dogs about 2 1/2 years ago when my nephew was 4. He came over and they barked at him. Because of this, he did what any 4 year old would do when 2 animals are loudly barking at him: He cried and tried to find someplace to hide. He eventually found what he thought was the perfect place to get away from the rabid* barking dogs. He locked himself up in their crate. Now if you thought the dogs were upset before at the spastic 4 year old who just entered their house like the Tasmanian Devil, imagine how they felt when the hyperactive child made himself at home in their "room." They went bananas.... RIP Nate**
*I'm only using the word "rabid" as a colorful adjective. The dogs do not have rabies.
**I'm only using RIP to evoke fake emotion in you. My nephew, Nate, is still alive... and still the Tasmanian Devil.
4. Cats - I know, the oldest cliche in the book, but our dogs go ballistic when they see a cat. It just so happens that our neighbor's cat, Jasper, likes to hang outside and whenever our four legged angels see him (or maybe her. Not sure if Jasper is a boy or a girl), they bark like they're in Arsenio Hall's dog pound. BAM! Reference from the very early 90's! Or maybe a reference from Arsenio's current show. Not sure if he still has his "Dog Pound," because I don't watch his show. BTW - did you know that Arsenio has a talk show right now! Crazy, right?
5. The Elderly Asian Couple that walks around our block every day - Maybe it's their canes, maybe it's their khaki Members Only style jackets, maybe it's their Gorton's Fisherman type hats, but our dogs will bark their little balls* off at the two friendliest people in our neighborhood.
*Our puppies were neutered 2 years ago, so it would literally be impossible for them to bark their balls off.
6. Anybody on a Skateboard - We had a trainer come by at one point to help us learn how to control the wild beasts living in our apartment and he informed us that the reason dogs bark at skateboarders is because the wheels on the pavement sounds like growling. Now, I don't have the most keen ears in the world, but a skateboard does not sound like a growling dog. You know what animal a skateboard sounds like? A hawk... A TONY Hawk! BOOM!!!! See what I did there?!
7. My friend Brian - I think it's because his massive head confuses them. They probably think he's an Alien or, even worse, a 49'ers fan. A 49'ers fan who can never wear a hat.
8. Squirrels - I think it's because they want to eat them. A squirrel to a dog must be the most delicious looking thing in the world. A dog looking at a squirrel is probably equivalent to me looking at a Cadbury Cream Egg. I will stop at nothing to get that sweet Easter treat in my Cream Egg hole*
*I might have more than one Cream Egg hole.
9. You - If you come over our place, you will be barked at. The only exception will be if you have been over at least 5 times. If that's the case, you will not be barked at, but you will probably see a doggy boner.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
What to do if your vehicle is stolen.
Hello Readers,
Been a long time since I wrote to you. I'm sure you missed me just as much as I missed you. Let's list some things that have happened to me since the last time I blogged...
1. I got a job as a script coordinator on the sitcom, Mr. Box Office!
2. I was able to write an episode of Mr. Box Office!
2. That job went into a "surprise" hiatus.
3. Went back to said job!
4. Car got all stolen.
5. Job went back into another "surprise hiatus.
I am currently unemployed and car-less. Since I have no place to go and no way to get there, I'll walk you through the eight steps of what to do if your car, truck, van, motorcycle or Vespa is stolen. We're walking through these steps because driving through them is no longer an option.
Step 1: Walk to the last place your car was parked. This will immediately be followed by confusion. The conversation in your head will go something like this:
You: "Hmmm, I believe I parked here."
Your Brain: "Maybe you parked someplace else?"
You: "I distinctly remember parking right here."
Your Brain: "Is it possible that you're forgetting that you actually parked down the street? Why don't you take a walk around the block?"
You: "I hate walking!"
Your Brain: "You better get used to it, Chump."
I'm not exactly sure why your brain speaks to you like a douche, but hey, it's your brain.
Step 2: Text or call your girlfriend, boyfriend, roommate, brother, sister, mother, father, lover, landlord or combination of any of these. Hopefully the combo won't be of the father, mother, sister, brother/lover ilk, but who am I to judge? You should text them some phrase along the lines of what I texted to my girlfriend/lover/dishwasher:
Actual text: "Weird question, but do you remember where I parked on Saturday?"
Not exactly sure why I prefaced it with, "weird question," because I've texted much weirder things to her without a "Brace yourself" type intro. Below is an actual text message to my girlfriend from this morning, January 14, 2014 at 10:17 AM...
"I tried to stretch this morning but wasn't able to because Bugsy kept licking my balls."
That is so much weirder than "where did I park?", right?
Step 3: Start walking towards the metro station in a daze. If you're lucky like me, the Metro Red Line station at Sunset and Vermont will be .7 miles from your apartment. If you're unlucky, like me, the Metro Red Line station at Sunset and Vermont will be the location of three stabbings in 2013.
Step 4: Start looking up tow truck companies in the neighborhood to call and see if your car/truck/van/motorcycle/Vespa was towed. Spend the entire 30 minute plus ride researching and writing down numbers of the dozens of tow truck companies until your girlfriend texts you:
Actual Text from my lady: "Call the Police first. Tow Truck companies have to report tows to the police. Don't waste your time looking up Tow Trucks"
Actual thought in my brain: "Too late, honey."
Step 5: Call Police. Listen to them tell you that since your car is a Honda, it is the most stolen car every year. They will also tell you that the possibility of getting car back is pretty slim. Continue listening intently as they pretty much tell you that you're s#*t out of luck.
Step 6: Call the insurance company to let them know what happened. They will interview you for about 45 minutes to make sure that you're not making a false claim. The insurance adjustor will laugh at your dumb jokes and after you get off the phone with her, you will search for her on Facebook and think about setting her up with your buddy, Sean.
Step 7: Wait patiently for an insurance reimbursement check that will be deposited into your account and immediately sent to the Visa credit card company because you just HAD to spend lots of money to see the Dallas Cowboys beat the Minnesota Vikings in person.
Step 8: Ask anyone reading this if they know of anyone giving away free cars.
I hope you all learned something!
Been a long time since I wrote to you. I'm sure you missed me just as much as I missed you. Let's list some things that have happened to me since the last time I blogged...
1. I got a job as a script coordinator on the sitcom, Mr. Box Office!
2. I was able to write an episode of Mr. Box Office!
2. That job went into a "surprise" hiatus.
3. Went back to said job!
4. Car got all stolen.
5. Job went back into another "surprise hiatus.
I am currently unemployed and car-less. Since I have no place to go and no way to get there, I'll walk you through the eight steps of what to do if your car, truck, van, motorcycle or Vespa is stolen. We're walking through these steps because driving through them is no longer an option.
Step 1: Walk to the last place your car was parked. This will immediately be followed by confusion. The conversation in your head will go something like this:
You: "Hmmm, I believe I parked here."
Your Brain: "Maybe you parked someplace else?"
You: "I distinctly remember parking right here."
Your Brain: "Is it possible that you're forgetting that you actually parked down the street? Why don't you take a walk around the block?"
You: "I hate walking!"
Your Brain: "You better get used to it, Chump."
I'm not exactly sure why your brain speaks to you like a douche, but hey, it's your brain.
Step 2: Text or call your girlfriend, boyfriend, roommate, brother, sister, mother, father, lover, landlord or combination of any of these. Hopefully the combo won't be of the father, mother, sister, brother/lover ilk, but who am I to judge? You should text them some phrase along the lines of what I texted to my girlfriend/lover/dishwasher:
Actual text: "Weird question, but do you remember where I parked on Saturday?"
Not exactly sure why I prefaced it with, "weird question," because I've texted much weirder things to her without a "Brace yourself" type intro. Below is an actual text message to my girlfriend from this morning, January 14, 2014 at 10:17 AM...
"I tried to stretch this morning but wasn't able to because Bugsy kept licking my balls."
That is so much weirder than "where did I park?", right?
Step 3: Start walking towards the metro station in a daze. If you're lucky like me, the Metro Red Line station at Sunset and Vermont will be .7 miles from your apartment. If you're unlucky, like me, the Metro Red Line station at Sunset and Vermont will be the location of three stabbings in 2013.
Step 4: Start looking up tow truck companies in the neighborhood to call and see if your car/truck/van/motorcycle/Vespa was towed. Spend the entire 30 minute plus ride researching and writing down numbers of the dozens of tow truck companies until your girlfriend texts you:
Actual Text from my lady: "Call the Police first. Tow Truck companies have to report tows to the police. Don't waste your time looking up Tow Trucks"
Actual thought in my brain: "Too late, honey."
Step 5: Call Police. Listen to them tell you that since your car is a Honda, it is the most stolen car every year. They will also tell you that the possibility of getting car back is pretty slim. Continue listening intently as they pretty much tell you that you're s#*t out of luck.
Step 6: Call the insurance company to let them know what happened. They will interview you for about 45 minutes to make sure that you're not making a false claim. The insurance adjustor will laugh at your dumb jokes and after you get off the phone with her, you will search for her on Facebook and think about setting her up with your buddy, Sean.
Step 7: Wait patiently for an insurance reimbursement check that will be deposited into your account and immediately sent to the Visa credit card company because you just HAD to spend lots of money to see the Dallas Cowboys beat the Minnesota Vikings in person.
Step 8: Ask anyone reading this if they know of anyone giving away free cars.
I hope you all learned something!
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