Jewish Easter

There are a lot of days I look forward to every year. My birthday, Christmas/Chanukah, the first Cowboy game of the season, 4th of July/Superbowl Sunday/New Years or any other date reserved for drinking all day and any day I'm about to go to Vegas. But the best day of the year, the one I hold dearest to my heart, is Jewish Easter.

Jewish Easter is a magical day that consists of Jewish boys and girls scrounging up whatever bills they can gather and spending it on half price candy. Every grocery store and pharmacy in the country orders WAY too much Easter candy every year so on the day after Easter, they load up 12 shopping carts full of candy and place them right at the entrance in hopes of luring all the non Jesus believers into buying their chocolaty goodness.

Today is a day of great responsibility. You mustn't just wander in freely and start shopping around. There needs to be a plan. Without a plan, you'll have no hope. Walking into a store on Jewish Easter and not having a thought out strategy will seriously mess you up. One year, I strolled into the nearest Rite Aid pharmacy without a blueprint of what I was doing and immediately felt tingling pain and numbness in my hands and feet. Actually, that could've been the diabetes acting up after celebrating Jewish Easter the previous year.

Jewish Easter was first celebrated by my family when I was just a young, pre Bar-Mitzvahed tyke. My father would pack up my mom, my 2 brothers and myself in the family Chevrolet Van and drive the 3/4 mile to Eckerd's drugstore. He'd present us all with $5 and utter the greatest words known to man... "Buy whatever you want!" He'd then follow that line with this one, "as long as it's half price." This is pretty much what my father says about anything always.

The treasure hunt would begin. My older brother went straight for the Reese's Eggs while my little brother tried to find the largest chocolate bunny in the place. This is no joke, I'm talking about the ones on the top shelf! The Schwartz boys don't mess around. I would scour the aisle looking for a sleeve of Cadbury Creme Eggs that was always impossible to find. To this day, I believe the Cadbury company sneaks into every place in the world selling their delicious, gooey filled, milk chocolate eggs at 11:59 PM on Easter Sunday and removes every single one from existence. I also believe the Cadbury company only hires people that are descendants of Ninjas and Santa Claus.

I'd take my 5 smackeroos and run down the aisle swiping various pimple causing delectables into my cart like I'm a contestant on "Supermarket Sweep." I'd grab all the Easter faves: Snicker's, Hershey's and Milky way eggs, Butterfinger and Baby Ruth bunnies, Huge rabbit shaped chocolates that you would think takes 4 months to eat but when you get home, you feel dubed because it's hollow. No worries though, nothing a spoonful of Peter Pan Peanut Butter couldn't fix.

Nowadays, I've upped my game. I double up on my childhood allowance and walk into the place with a crisp ten spot. It's all about the Hamilton's, baby! I waddle into the neighborhood Albertson's, take a quick left past the fresh baked goods that appear to be made a month ago, slip between the elderly Armenian couple that are arguing over what generic Cheeto's brand will taste the best, and sashay through the cereal aisle, taking a quick second to ponder whether they should even make regular Cap N' Crunch without Crunch berries anymore. I mean, why would you buy those when they offer the berries in there for no charge? If I'm gonna cut up the roof of my mouth, there better be an extremely vague taste of strawberries involved.

Once I hit the motherload, I casually place the shopping cart behind me and do the happiest of happy dances as I sprint through the aisles, spilling every half price piece of luxurious Easter themed candy into my arms. In this moment nothing else matters. Religious wars in the Middle East, Political Unrest in Bangladesh and The Cowboys inevitably going 7-9 and missing the playoffs on the final drive of the season. I will get my candy, I will get a great deal and I will have to take a Pepcid by 4:15 PM.

Happy Jewish Easter to you all!!!