Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry's

I don't have a lot going on these days so I'm always excited when something falls into my lap. Even something as annoying as picking up someone from the airport gets me excited because I'll have a legitimate reason to leave the house. The best situations are when something free and delicious appears right before your eyes. During my normal routine of clicking through the silliest part of the ol' interweb I came across the greatest banner known to man... FREE ICE CREAM CONE DAY AT BEN & JERRY'S!

I'll be honest with you, I've probably only been to an actual Ben & Jerry's store twice in my life. One in the Haight/Ashbury neighborhood of San Francisco in the late '90's. I was visiting my friend, Adam, and I asked him to take me to the mecca of San Fran hippie culture. This place was the epicenter of the 60's counter culture movement. Peace and love were the value's it was based on. This was the place that dreams were made of. Everyone loving each other and interacting in a positive environment where you feel like everyone has your back. Unfortunately, Haight/Ashbury by the late '90s had pretty much become Time Squares but instead of the Disneyfication, it was Classic Rock-ified. It had now become clear to me where Spencer's Gifts ordered all their Led Zeppelin Blacklight posters.

The second time I visited a Ben & Jerry's store was in beautiful downtown Burbank, California. It is located in a huge shopping area next to an Ikea, a mall, a still operating bookstore, an AMC movie theatre with 16 screens and a Cold Stone Creamery. The reason I've only ventured into this Ben & Jerry's one time is evident from the last sentence, I mean, why waste my time at one ice cream store when the one directly across the street can roll in Reeses Peanut Cups and Butterfinger to your Cake Batter Ice Cream? I am, and will always be, a Cold Stone man. This would sound much more macho if I were a Stone Cold man. It would also mean I was dyslexic.

Since I rarely visit San Francisco and have a deep allegiance to Cold Stone, I do not foresee myself becoming a patron of Ben & Jerry's. That is of course, when I have to pay for it. Seeing the banner ad for Free Cone Day turned my Cold Stone heart into a Ben & Jerry's mind. I also thought, why not make a day of it? A movie and free ice cream? Junior High Cary Schwartz just hit the jackpot!

I ventured to Burbank from Los Angeles which is about 5 miles away but takes 45 minutes. It doesn't matter though, the light at the end of the traffic tunnel leads to free ice cream. I arrive in Burbank and access one of their many free parking lots which is oddly exciting to me since I live in L.A. In pretty much every city in America, a free parking lot at noon on a Tuesday is as normal as a sunrise. A free parking lot at noon on Tuesday in Los Angeles is as abnormal as a son rhys. That anolagy only works if you aren't the parents of lovable wacky movie actor, Rhys Ifans from Notting Hill, or lovable wacky TV actor, Rhys Darby from Flight of the Conchords. If you can find me a non wacky Rhys, I'll eat my hat... which is exactly something a wacky Rhys would do.

I decide to see a movie first so I can work up an appetite for my free ice cream cone. I grab my ticket for the Ben Stiller/Naomi Watts dramedy, "While We're Young" and rush over to Theatre 4. The idea behind this movie is that if you're in your 40's, hanging out with young twenty-somethings will invigorate you and make you feel young again. The viewer realizes this because Naomi Watts dances to hip-hop music and Ben Stiller buys a hat. I enjoyed this movie but it made me feel old. Not just because the subject matter warrants it, but because Ad-Rock from the Beastie Boys has so much grey hair!

I finish the flick and head over to the grand finale of my day - Free Ice Cream. The first thing I notice is the absurd long line leading into the high calorie locale. The second thing I notice is the amount of firemen holding signs that say "Fill the Boot." The third thing I notice is the twelve signs placed along the windows of the store thanking everyone for supporting the Muscular Dystrophy Association. The fourth thing I notice is the firemen accepting donations from EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN LINE. Everybody is reaching into their wallet and placing a wad of bills into the "charity boot" that the firemen are passing around. That boot is getting stuffed more than a passed out woman at Bill Cosby's.

I realize now that the "free" ice cream isn't exactly free. I can take out a dollar bill, hand over to the MD fighting fireman and still get a decent sized scoop of Chubby Hubby for a major discount. The only problem with that plan is, I only have 2 five dollar bills. I patiently wait in line clutching a five dollar bill when it dawns on me. Paying 5 dollars for a 3 dollar scoop of ice cream would completely go against my entire plan of having a free scoop of ice cream. Realizing the math made me immedietely jump out of line and head on over to Cold Stone. I mean, if I'm paying for ice cream I should grab my Like 'em sized Cake Batter with Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and Butterfinger plus I didn't have to wait in line because every sane ice cream lover was across the street getting their "free cone." April 14, 2015 is the day that Cary the Asshole decided to spend $7 on a candy bar infused heart attack inducing confection instead of giving $5 to a very deserving charity. Maybe April 14, 2016 will be the day I finally decide to not be a dickhead.