I don't have a lot going on these days so I'm always excited when something falls into my lap. Even something as annoying as picking up someone from the airport gets me excited because I'll have a legitimate reason to leave the house. The best situations are when something free and delicious appears right before your eyes. During my normal routine of clicking through the silliest part of the ol' interweb I came across the greatest banner known to man... FREE ICE CREAM CONE DAY AT BEN & JERRY'S!
I'll be honest with you, I've probably only been to an actual Ben & Jerry's store twice in my life. One in the Haight/Ashbury neighborhood of San Francisco in the late '90's. I was visiting my friend, Adam, and I asked him to take me to the mecca of San Fran hippie culture. This place was the epicenter of the 60's counter culture movement. Peace and love were the value's it was based on. This was the place that dreams were made of. Everyone loving each other and interacting in a positive environment where you feel like everyone has your back. Unfortunately, Haight/Ashbury by the late '90s had pretty much become Time Squares but instead of the Disneyfication, it was Classic Rock-ified. It had now become clear to me where Spencer's Gifts ordered all their Led Zeppelin Blacklight posters.
The second time I visited a Ben & Jerry's store was in beautiful downtown Burbank, California. It is located in a huge shopping area next to an Ikea, a mall, a still operating bookstore, an AMC movie theatre with 16 screens and a Cold Stone Creamery. The reason I've only ventured into this Ben & Jerry's one time is evident from the last sentence, I mean, why waste my time at one ice cream store when the one directly across the street can roll in Reeses Peanut Cups and Butterfinger to your Cake Batter Ice Cream? I am, and will always be, a Cold Stone man. This would sound much more macho if I were a Stone Cold man. It would also mean I was dyslexic.
Since I rarely visit San Francisco and have a deep allegiance to Cold Stone, I do not foresee myself becoming a patron of Ben & Jerry's. That is of course, when I have to pay for it. Seeing the banner ad for Free Cone Day turned my Cold Stone heart into a Ben & Jerry's mind. I also thought, why not make a day of it? A movie and free ice cream? Junior High Cary Schwartz just hit the jackpot!
I ventured to Burbank from Los Angeles which is about 5 miles away but takes 45 minutes. It doesn't matter though, the light at the end of the traffic tunnel leads to free ice cream. I arrive in Burbank and access one of their many free parking lots which is oddly exciting to me since I live in L.A. In pretty much every city in America, a free parking lot at noon on a Tuesday is as normal as a sunrise. A free parking lot at noon on Tuesday in Los Angeles is as abnormal as a son rhys. That anolagy only works if you aren't the parents of lovable wacky movie actor, Rhys Ifans from Notting Hill, or lovable wacky TV actor, Rhys Darby from Flight of the Conchords. If you can find me a non wacky Rhys, I'll eat my hat... which is exactly something a wacky Rhys would do.
I decide to see a movie first so I can work up an appetite for my free ice cream cone. I grab my ticket for the Ben Stiller/Naomi Watts dramedy, "While We're Young" and rush over to Theatre 4. The idea behind this movie is that if you're in your 40's, hanging out with young twenty-somethings will invigorate you and make you feel young again. The viewer realizes this because Naomi Watts dances to hip-hop music and Ben Stiller buys a hat. I enjoyed this movie but it made me feel old. Not just because the subject matter warrants it, but because Ad-Rock from the Beastie Boys has so much grey hair!
I finish the flick and head over to the grand finale of my day - Free Ice Cream. The first thing I notice is the absurd long line leading into the high calorie locale. The second thing I notice is the amount of firemen holding signs that say "Fill the Boot." The third thing I notice is the twelve signs placed along the windows of the store thanking everyone for supporting the Muscular Dystrophy Association. The fourth thing I notice is the firemen accepting donations from EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN LINE. Everybody is reaching into their wallet and placing a wad of bills into the "charity boot" that the firemen are passing around. That boot is getting stuffed more than a passed out woman at Bill Cosby's.
I realize now that the "free" ice cream isn't exactly free. I can take out a dollar bill, hand over to the MD fighting fireman and still get a decent sized scoop of Chubby Hubby for a major discount. The only problem with that plan is, I only have 2 five dollar bills. I patiently wait in line clutching a five dollar bill when it dawns on me. Paying 5 dollars for a 3 dollar scoop of ice cream would completely go against my entire plan of having a free scoop of ice cream. Realizing the math made me immedietely jump out of line and head on over to Cold Stone. I mean, if I'm paying for ice cream I should grab my Like 'em sized Cake Batter with Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and Butterfinger plus I didn't have to wait in line because every sane ice cream lover was across the street getting their "free cone." April 14, 2015 is the day that Cary the Asshole decided to spend $7 on a candy bar infused heart attack inducing confection instead of giving $5 to a very deserving charity. Maybe April 14, 2016 will be the day I finally decide to not be a dickhead.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Monday, April 6, 2015
Jewish Easter
There are a lot of days I look forward to every year. My birthday, Christmas/Chanukah, the first Cowboy game of the season, 4th of July/Superbowl Sunday/New Years or any other date reserved for drinking all day and any day I'm about to go to Vegas. But the best day of the year, the one I hold dearest to my heart, is Jewish Easter.
Jewish Easter is a magical day that consists of Jewish boys and girls scrounging up whatever bills they can gather and spending it on half price candy. Every grocery store and pharmacy in the country orders WAY too much Easter candy every year so on the day after Easter, they load up 12 shopping carts full of candy and place them right at the entrance in hopes of luring all the non Jesus believers into buying their chocolaty goodness.
Today is a day of great responsibility. You mustn't just wander in freely and start shopping around. There needs to be a plan. Without a plan, you'll have no hope. Walking into a store on Jewish Easter and not having a thought out strategy will seriously mess you up. One year, I strolled into the nearest Rite Aid pharmacy without a blueprint of what I was doing and immediately felt tingling pain and numbness in my hands and feet. Actually, that could've been the diabetes acting up after celebrating Jewish Easter the previous year.
Jewish Easter was first celebrated by my family when I was just a young, pre Bar-Mitzvahed tyke. My father would pack up my mom, my 2 brothers and myself in the family Chevrolet Van and drive the 3/4 mile to Eckerd's drugstore. He'd present us all with $5 and utter the greatest words known to man... "Buy whatever you want!" He'd then follow that line with this one, "as long as it's half price." This is pretty much what my father says about anything always.
The treasure hunt would begin. My older brother went straight for the Reese's Eggs while my little brother tried to find the largest chocolate bunny in the place. This is no joke, I'm talking about the ones on the top shelf! The Schwartz boys don't mess around. I would scour the aisle looking for a sleeve of Cadbury Creme Eggs that was always impossible to find. To this day, I believe the Cadbury company sneaks into every place in the world selling their delicious, gooey filled, milk chocolate eggs at 11:59 PM on Easter Sunday and removes every single one from existence. I also believe the Cadbury company only hires people that are descendants of Ninjas and Santa Claus.
I'd take my 5 smackeroos and run down the aisle swiping various pimple causing delectables into my cart like I'm a contestant on "Supermarket Sweep." I'd grab all the Easter faves: Snicker's, Hershey's and Milky way eggs, Butterfinger and Baby Ruth bunnies, Huge rabbit shaped chocolates that you would think takes 4 months to eat but when you get home, you feel dubed because it's hollow. No worries though, nothing a spoonful of Peter Pan Peanut Butter couldn't fix.
Nowadays, I've upped my game. I double up on my childhood allowance and walk into the place with a crisp ten spot. It's all about the Hamilton's, baby! I waddle into the neighborhood Albertson's, take a quick left past the fresh baked goods that appear to be made a month ago, slip between the elderly Armenian couple that are arguing over what generic Cheeto's brand will taste the best, and sashay through the cereal aisle, taking a quick second to ponder whether they should even make regular Cap N' Crunch without Crunch berries anymore. I mean, why would you buy those when they offer the berries in there for no charge? If I'm gonna cut up the roof of my mouth, there better be an extremely vague taste of strawberries involved.
Once I hit the motherload, I casually place the shopping cart behind me and do the happiest of happy dances as I sprint through the aisles, spilling every half price piece of luxurious Easter themed candy into my arms. In this moment nothing else matters. Religious wars in the Middle East, Political Unrest in Bangladesh and The Cowboys inevitably going 7-9 and missing the playoffs on the final drive of the season. I will get my candy, I will get a great deal and I will have to take a Pepcid by 4:15 PM.
Happy Jewish Easter to you all!!!
Jewish Easter is a magical day that consists of Jewish boys and girls scrounging up whatever bills they can gather and spending it on half price candy. Every grocery store and pharmacy in the country orders WAY too much Easter candy every year so on the day after Easter, they load up 12 shopping carts full of candy and place them right at the entrance in hopes of luring all the non Jesus believers into buying their chocolaty goodness.
Today is a day of great responsibility. You mustn't just wander in freely and start shopping around. There needs to be a plan. Without a plan, you'll have no hope. Walking into a store on Jewish Easter and not having a thought out strategy will seriously mess you up. One year, I strolled into the nearest Rite Aid pharmacy without a blueprint of what I was doing and immediately felt tingling pain and numbness in my hands and feet. Actually, that could've been the diabetes acting up after celebrating Jewish Easter the previous year.
Jewish Easter was first celebrated by my family when I was just a young, pre Bar-Mitzvahed tyke. My father would pack up my mom, my 2 brothers and myself in the family Chevrolet Van and drive the 3/4 mile to Eckerd's drugstore. He'd present us all with $5 and utter the greatest words known to man... "Buy whatever you want!" He'd then follow that line with this one, "as long as it's half price." This is pretty much what my father says about anything always.
The treasure hunt would begin. My older brother went straight for the Reese's Eggs while my little brother tried to find the largest chocolate bunny in the place. This is no joke, I'm talking about the ones on the top shelf! The Schwartz boys don't mess around. I would scour the aisle looking for a sleeve of Cadbury Creme Eggs that was always impossible to find. To this day, I believe the Cadbury company sneaks into every place in the world selling their delicious, gooey filled, milk chocolate eggs at 11:59 PM on Easter Sunday and removes every single one from existence. I also believe the Cadbury company only hires people that are descendants of Ninjas and Santa Claus.
I'd take my 5 smackeroos and run down the aisle swiping various pimple causing delectables into my cart like I'm a contestant on "Supermarket Sweep." I'd grab all the Easter faves: Snicker's, Hershey's and Milky way eggs, Butterfinger and Baby Ruth bunnies, Huge rabbit shaped chocolates that you would think takes 4 months to eat but when you get home, you feel dubed because it's hollow. No worries though, nothing a spoonful of Peter Pan Peanut Butter couldn't fix.
Nowadays, I've upped my game. I double up on my childhood allowance and walk into the place with a crisp ten spot. It's all about the Hamilton's, baby! I waddle into the neighborhood Albertson's, take a quick left past the fresh baked goods that appear to be made a month ago, slip between the elderly Armenian couple that are arguing over what generic Cheeto's brand will taste the best, and sashay through the cereal aisle, taking a quick second to ponder whether they should even make regular Cap N' Crunch without Crunch berries anymore. I mean, why would you buy those when they offer the berries in there for no charge? If I'm gonna cut up the roof of my mouth, there better be an extremely vague taste of strawberries involved.
Once I hit the motherload, I casually place the shopping cart behind me and do the happiest of happy dances as I sprint through the aisles, spilling every half price piece of luxurious Easter themed candy into my arms. In this moment nothing else matters. Religious wars in the Middle East, Political Unrest in Bangladesh and The Cowboys inevitably going 7-9 and missing the playoffs on the final drive of the season. I will get my candy, I will get a great deal and I will have to take a Pepcid by 4:15 PM.
Happy Jewish Easter to you all!!!
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