Under the Weather

I've had a week of off work which is pretty exciting. I had everything planned out. Set up some lunches, recorded a few movies on the trusty ol' DVR and turned off the alarm in my bedroom. I figured I'd catch up with some old friends, catch up on some crappy 80's era action flicks and catch up on sleep. Of course, the only thing I caught was a cold.

I'm a pretty lucky guy because I don't get sick very often. Maybe once or twice a year, I'll get a little cold that lasts a day or two. No big deal. My immune system is pretty spectacular since my lifestyle isn't one you would necessary call healthy. I stay up late, wake up early, drink alcohol and rarely work out. If it wasn't for my 10 step voyage to the makeshift bar in the dining room to fill up my wine 3-4 times a night, I'd never get any exercise.

You'd think that with my lifestyle, I'd be sick about twice a week but that isn't the case. It's nice that I don't have to worry about my health. I can do pretty much anything I want without fear of it taking me down for a week. In life, my parents blessed me with good genes. In 4th grade, I wished they would've blessed me with Guess jeans but my dad wouldn't spend the money.

I have friends that freak out constantly about possibly getting sick. They won't shake people's hands, touch doorknobs without wrapping their hand in a paper towel or shirt or even do something as innocent as share toothbrushes. I never concern myself with such nonsense. I shake hands with anyone, well, excluding lepers. I'll touch a doorknob without using a paper towel or my shirt as a hand condom and I share my toothpaste with anyone who wants it. Oh, it appears I misspelled toothpaste earlier in this paragraph.

Those are the best parts about rarely feeling under the weather. The worse part is when I do feel sick, I'm the biggest baby there is. I mope around the house in a ratty, old, yellow bathrobe that used to be white. I lay around on the couch, blow my nose on some Puff's Plus w/ lotion and then throw the used facial tissue on the ground because, "I'm too sick to throw it away in the trash." I drink a gallon of Orange Juice and after every sip complain about how much I don't like orange juice unless there's champagne in it. I sniffle obnoxiously loud whenever my girlfriend asks me to hand her the remote control so she can, "turn off this dreadful Sylvester Stallone movie and watch Bachelor in Paradise."

Another thing about me when I'm feeling ill is that I'll sneeze about 12 times a minute. Actually, when I'm not sick, I'll go on some sneezing tangents every now and then but when I have a semi-cold, I'm sneezing like one of Snow White's seven dwarfs in a pepper factory. I can't remember the name of the dwarf I'm referring to that sneezes all the time. You know, he has allergies, a sad face and a big nose. Jewey the dwarf? That must be it. People say that sneezing is very close to having an orgasm. If that's the case, then I'm close to getting gangbanged by the seven dwarves right now. Let me tell you something, behind closed doors, Bashful ain't so bashful.

Since I'm feeling so crappy the only thing left to do is make a big pot of matzoh ball soup, grab another gallon of OJ and settle on the couch for a marathon session of Rambo movies. This is actually such a good idea, I hope I'm sick again next week. Better go lick a few doorknobs.