Broken Printer

There are real problems in the world. Floods, earthquakes, wars, bombings, me losing my hair - real horrible stuff. I recognize that these things are out of my control and I should just learn to deal with them. However, there is one terrible monstrosity that I am forced right now to deal with and that is my broken printer.

A few days ago I was trying to print out one simple black and white page from my trusty HP Deskjet printer. I have owned and operated said printer for about three years, which I guess is seventy in printer years. As I was printing out the most basic of basic documents, the printer made a rather unusual noise, almost like how a robot would sound if it sneezed, and wouldn't drag the paper into its, its... whatever it's called... ink pit? Let's go with ink pit. I'm now imagining that the inside of a printer looks like the a Sarlacc in the Great Pit of Carkoon from "Return of the Jedi."If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you should sincerely be proud of yourself.

I've worked in many situations where I had to un-jam a printer. Maybe it's because I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty, maybe it's because I'm the type of person who goes the extra mile to get things done, or maybe it's because I've happened to work at places that are too cheap to buy printers that consistently work. We'll go with the latter.

In order to fix a jam in a printer, you would just open up the doors and yank out whatever is stuck - A piece of paper, a staple, a buffalo chicken wing from Hooter's - whatever it is, you should just be able to pull it out of there. If it's a piece of paper, remove it slowly to make sure it doesn't tear into smaller pieces and stay in the hard to reach crevices. If it's a staple, be careful that you don't accidentally push it back in the machine or accidentally cut yourself on the sharp ends. If it's a Hooter's wing, you should probably make sure that your company has not hired "Sleazy Joe" to be your Xerox representative.

The problem with this cheap piece of crap printer that I have is there are no "doors" to open and check for paper jams. If I need to check, I have to literally take apart the entire printer. Or, more realistically, have my friend Andrew do it. The poor guy has to break apart my printer AND fight off my dog that is constantly trying to attack him. Talk about a shitty Monday.

I finally get the printer completely taken apart to find out that there is no paper jam. That little digital window on the bottom left of the machine is a freakin' liar! What I thought was going to be a quick, painless and very cheap tug for my fingers is now a slow, painful and very expensive tug for my wallet. I'm now going to have to use my hard earned dollars for a new printer instead of what I'd normally use them for - a quick and painless tug by the one and only "Sleazy Joe."