The Festival of Lights

There is a lot of confusion over the "Eight Crazy Nights." As a celebrator of "The Festival of Lights" since birth, I feel that I am qualified to enlighten those who haven't figured out how to google things.  In honor of "The Jewish Christmas" I will now answer the 8 most commonly asked questions about Hanukkah:

1. Why does it last 8 days?
A: Back in the day, the Jews had enough oil to light for one day and it lasted a miraculous EIGHT FREAKIN' DAYS!!!  The steps to celebrating: You light the "Shamash" (Helper or Servant), you say "The Prayer" (Blessing or Hebrew Nonsense) and light the rest of the candles on the "Menorah" (Chanukiah or Kosher Candelabra).

2. Why does it change dates every year?
A:  "The Festival of Lights" does not change every year. It ALWAYS starts on the 25th day of Kislev, according to the Hebrew calendar. As it turns out, the Hebrew calendar is not the same as the Christian calendar. Talk about Religious turmoil - If we can't synch up our calendars, how can we expect to ever accept each others practices. I imagine this would be a problem in setting up a date...
Jew: "Hey, let's grab dinner and talk about our differences."
Christian: "Sounds good. Let's get a BLT on December 12th?"
Jew: "Can't do it. Let's get a bowl of Kreplach on the 12th of Kislev?"
Christian: "WTF?!!!"

3. What presents did you get this year?
A: My fiancee and I decided to really embody the spirit of a Jewish Holiday... Saving money! Since we're planning a wedding, we decided to go waaaayyy easy on the gift giving this year. I told her I didn't want her to spend any money on me this year, with the exception of ALL the rent and bills until I win the lottery, inherit a large sum of money or find a job. Since I don't play the lottery or have any wealthy and dying relatives, I guess I have to find a job. So, the answer to question number 3 is: A scarf for $1.99 on the clearance rack at Banana Republic's outlet store. Oh, and ALL the rent and bills and groceries and toiletries and clothing and shelter and anything else that costs more than the change I have in my car's ashtray.

4. What presents did you give this year?
A: I gave the one present I could afford this year to the true love of my life, my best friend, soulmate and the woman of my dreams.... I gave her a hand written "coupon" for a 10 minute make-out session with her one and only. She's cashing it in on Larry David.

5. Why do some people spell it Chanukkah and others spell it Hanukkah?
A: There is no right way to spell Chanukkah or Hanukkah. I'm sure there are numerous family arguments every year over what the correct spelling is, but it really doesn't matter. In fact, as long as your family is arguing about something, then you're celebrating Chanukkah or Hanukkah the correct way.

6. Does the holiday have an equivalent to Santa Claus?
A: Yes. Hanukkah Harry (or is it Chanukkah Charry?). As Saturday Night Live showed us, Hanukkah Harry delivers presents to all the Jewish boys and girls on a cart pulled by his beloved donkeys; Moshe, Herschel and Schlomo. The little Jewish boys and girls get the greatest gifts of all; slacks and three pairs of socks. Now, I recognize that SNL gets credit for creating the image of Hanukkah Harry, but I believe the three Schwartz boys came up with him first. Our frustrations with not having our Jewish version of Santa Claus led us to create our own Jewish hero. I also believe that the mid '80's cast and crew of Saturday Night Live must have been listening in the Schwartz's brainstorming session of potential Hanukkah mascots. We came up with it first and because of that, I believe that Jon Lovitz and Lorne Michaels can suck our matzoh balls!

7. What the fuck is a latke?
A latke is a potato pancake. Follow up question: Do you eat latke's on any occastions outside of Hanukkah? No, that would be silly. Do YOU eat fruitcake outside of Christmas? Follow up question: Do you eat fruitcake at all during Christmas? I've always heard of this tradition, but don't know anyone who actually makes or eats it. As a matter of fact, the only time I remember the word, fruitcake, mentioned in my entire life is when I was in 3rd grade and the VERY conservative mother of my neighborhood buddy wouldn't let me bring over the cassette of "Colour by Numbers" by Culture Club because "Boy George is a 'fruitcake'." What an ignorant grinch! I don't know what ever happened to that lady, but I hope the legalization of same sex marriage has sent her to her grave. If there is a hell, I'm sure she's there dodging fabulous fireballs with Fred Phelps.

8. Why does Adam Sandler keep making more versions of "The Hanukkah song?"
A: Because it is the single greatest holiday song of all time and he can do whatever the hell he wants with it. You can keep Rudolph, Frosty and your Silent Nights. I'll take Fonzie, Ron Jeremy and my family screaming at each other over over-cooked latkes any night of the year.

Happy Hanukkah Everybody! Or is it Chappy Chanukkah?