Clogged Kitchen Sink

Today was supposed to be a special day. I had a very welcome day off smack dab in the middle of the week. I had plans - a lot of emails to catch up on, a lot of doggy cuddles to catch up on, and most importantly, a lot of sleep to catch up on. Things were gonna be great! I couldn't wait to sleep in, wake up late, drink coffee, eat Cap'n Crunch's "Oops All Berries" in my underwear, and scour the internet to read all about how awesome the Dallas Cowboys have been until their inevitable December breakdown where they miss the playoffs by one game.

Of course, the kicker was being able to sleep in. I'm the kind of person who can sleep through any kind of noise. TV, noises outside, alarms, barking dogs, screaming girlfriend - anything. I noticed something today... I cannot sleep through the foul stench of whatever odor was coming through the clogged sink in my kitchen. It smelled so bad in my place today, I assumed someone finally dug up the dead hooker that has been stored under my floorboard since Valentine's day.

I awoke from my much deserved slumber because my nose was filled with a horrendous scent. I followed the putrid smell to the kitchen and noticed both sides were halfway full with a black-ish liquid. It looked like something the classic 1950's movie villain, The Blob, would've thrown up. Actually, I once saw The Blob's vomit in the shape of a 1980's movie starring Kevin "Johnny Drama" Dillon. ZING!

Now, since I'm a real man, I figured the best way to handle this was by fixing it myself. I take great pride in how macho I am and I'm sure everyone knows that about me. I like to get down and get my hands dirty fixing motorcycles, gutting the half ton bucks I hunt for sport and shovel the massive amount of bullshit I just wrote. Actually, I am the opposite of macho. To say I am a man is an insult to the entire species of Man.

I do know a little about fixing sinks though because I'm very observant. No, I have never studied a plumber to learn the specifics of his craft but I have seen one or two Drano commercials. I can finally be a man and fix the sink myself with the help of a gelatinous fluid. I was starting to feel quite macho after all. I just needed to take care of a few things before heading out to the local Albertson's. All I had to do was wash my face with a gentle facial wash, cover my problem pores with a moisturizing lotion and freshen my armpits with baby powder infused Citrus Blossom scented organic deodorant. I may be a man but I smell like an arboretum.

I made my way to the store to pick up a nice hefty bottle of Drano and then I would make it back to my place to perform my manly duties. There was no other reason to be at the store but maybe I should look around just in case. You never know when something will pop up at you while shopping for the one necessity. I decided to take a stroll through the seasonal aisle to see what Halloween themed materials that may catch my eye before I head back to the casa and act like the man that I am. As it turns out, they were offering a sale on Reese's Pumpkins, Snicker's Witches and Butterfinger Monsters. I may be a man but I eat like a woman right before she menstruates.

My bag is now full of candy with a tiny bit of room left over for some Drano. I  make it home and open up a few Reese's Pumpkins. I figure I should get my chocolate peanut butter fix before I dirty my hands with the toxic pipe cleaner. I wolf down every delicious morsel and then head over to show that sink who's the man. I open up the Drano and pour half a bottle down the left side of the sink, then the right. That's right sink, who's the man now! As it turns out the sink is the man because the sewage goo that was invading my pipes just grew larger. Reading that last sentence out of context makes this sound like a "Fifty Shades of Grey" fan fiction blog.

After emptying the bottle of Drano into the sink and scarfing down another 4 pieces of candy, I did what any man would've done in this situation. I called a plumber to come fix the clogged sink. I didn't feel that defeated though. I knew I was the man. I'm sure I'll be just as manly as the macho plumber that comes to my door. Doorbell rings and there awaits the knight in shining armour that has come to my rescue. The first thing I notice is the nametag... Jessica. The second thing I notice is that we wear the same deodorant.